


Dark Thoughts

by RensSaxophone



Category: Uta no Prince-sama
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-29
Updated: 2020-10-29
Packaged: 2021-03-09 03:21:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,454
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27267895
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RensSaxophone/pseuds/RensSaxophone
Summary: ***REUPLOAD***Tokiya often has dreams depicting an unrealistic, negative side of his story- and he has another today that he speaks through with his husband, Ranmaru.
Relationships: Ichinose Tokiya/Kurosaki Ranmaru
Kudos: 7





	Dark Thoughts

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is basically just dark and angsty. 
> 
> WARNINGS - SUICIDE (no working attempts, but an attempt and thoughts of it)

“I’m going to take a nap.” Tokiya mumbles. “My head is killing me.” 

“You need me ‘t lay down with you?”

“I’ll be alright.” Tokiya gives a small smile. “I’m just going to lay down and sleep. I’ll be out in a few minutes. You can stay out here and play.”

Ranmaru _was_ on his bass. Ranmaru watches him for a long moment, but he finally nods. “Call me if y’need me. I’ll be right out ‘ere.”

“Thank you.”

With that, Tokiya heads to their shared room. True to his word, he’s out in minutes.

_Ranmaru had been acting strange lately. He had been on his phone often, excusing himself to take phone calls, and seeming upset when he had come back from them._

_Tokiya had tried, multiple times, to get Ranmaru to tell him what was wrong, but Ranmaru consistently insists that it isn’t anything that Tokiya needs to worry about. He’d tell him that his mother was calling him, but it was just some family things and that they should blow over soon, and he wouldn’t speak further than that. It didn’t help that Ranmaru seemed to get a bit frustrated when Tokiya pushed, and that made Tokiya retreat._

_Tokiya hated it when Ranmaru was mad at him, but it seemed to happen more often, because Ranmaru seemed to have a much shorter fuse. It hurt Tokiya, because he was only worried._

_After the first time Ranmaru had excused himself to go calm down, he’d have come back. “Toki, c’mere.”_

_Tokiya did, his eyebrows furrowed and his expression a mix of concern and worry. Ranmaru’s hands find Tokiya’s waist, and he kisses Tokiya’s forehead._

_“I love you, Toki. I know ‘m bein’ a dick right now, but it’s gonna pass. I promise. I’ll get back ‘t myself soon. I don’t mean ‘t upset you, ‘n I’m sorry.”_

_This interaction happens more than a few times, though the further that they get into the situation, the more Tokiya tries to talk to him, the more they fight, and the less that the apologies happen. Ranmaru starts to spend less time with Tokiya, and it's been some time since he had told Tokiya that he loved him. He spends more time on the phone and more time away from Tokiya._

_They sleep back to back, and Ranmaru’s temper is growing ever shorter. If Tokiya tries to ask him what’s going on, he’s usually met with a gruff, “Don’t.”_

_Tokiya finds himself spending more and more time with himself. Ranmaru spends more time outside of the house, and on his computer, ever present on his phone._

_Finally, the day comes where Ranmaru sits down on the couch by Tokiya. He looks tired. Tokiya lets him talk first._

_“‘M gonna be gone for a few weeks. I need ‘t go home, visit some family and figure some things out.” Ranmaru’s staring down at his hands, bent over. Tokiya eyes his hands, and notices that they’re beat up. He must have really been going at his bass. Something was really bothering him._

_“What’s going on, Ran?” Tokiya’s voice is soft._

_“I just told ya.” Ranmaru’s voice is almost a bit empty. “Look, it’s not somethin’ I can put off.”_

_“Okay.” Tokiya relents, his voice quiet. “Do you want me to come with you?”_

_“No. I don’t.”_

_Tokiya wonders if Ranmaru can hear Tokiya’s heart break, because Tokiya feels like **he** can almost hear it. Tokiya couldn’t figure out what was bothering Ranmaru, but he had considered the possibility that it was **Tokiya**. The longer it had continued and the harsher Ranmaru had gotten around the topic, the more Tokiya believed it. And with this response- how could he think anything else?_

_Tokiya was waiting for the divorce papers. That had to be where they were heading, right?_

_“When do you leave?” It’s hard to keep his voice from breaking._

_“Two days from now. ‘S pretty early flight, so I’ll probably be gone ‘fore you’re up.”_

_“I could wake up early and drive you there.” It’s a half hearted offer. He doubts Ranmaru will take it._

_He’s right._

_“I’ll just call a car.”_

_The next day passes quickly, and when Tokiya wakes up the day after, Ranmaru has already left. Tokiya had hoped he would at least wake him up to say goodbye._

_Tokiya stays in the bed for a long time that day, and for the first time since Ranmaru had started acting strange, Tokiya breaks down into sobs. It’s hard to get himself up, because he just lies in bed, kicking himself. What had he done wrong?_

_Was he not affectionate enough? Maybe he was relenting on Ranmaru too soon? Maybe he needed to tell Ranmaru that he loved him more often._

_Maybe it was just Tokiya. It could be possible that Ranmaru just wasn’t happy anymore. Because if something else were wrong, Ranmaru would have spoken to Tokiya about it, right?_

_The next few weeks are terrible. Tokiya stops sleeping in the bedroom, moving most of his things into their guest room. The more he thought about it, the more he wondered if he were even right to be in their shared bedroom. He cried a lot, over the next few weeks._

_His own mental state had been deteriorating, unable to stop blaming himself. He’s been doing it for almost a month and a half- because that’s when this situation had started, and Tokiya’s own self opinion had just gotten lower and lower. His most common thought recently had been how much easier it might be if he were to just… be gone._

_Tokiya wondered if he were being a problem. Ranmaru was one of the people that consistently put up with Tokiya- and of course Tokiya had friends, but he also had been around quite a few people that had dropped him when he had stopped being Hayato, and there were some that dropped him when he stopped being an idol. Even his mother hardly ever spoke to him._

_Tokiya was used to people being done with him. And he didn’t believe Ranmaru was that type of person- but maybe it **wasn’t** Ranmaru. It might just be Tokiya. _

_Ranmaru gets back late at night. Tokiya hears him come in, but as he’s opening the door to the guest room, he sees Ranmaru enter the bedroom. He gives it a few minutes, before he goes to check on him, but Ranmaru is already in bed, having just stripped down to his underwear, and Tokiya thinks that he’s already asleep._

_Tokiya goes back to the guest room. The next morning, Tokiya wakes up by himself. He actually chooses to stay in bed that day, and Ranmaru doesn’t come in to check on him. Tokiya wants to talk to Ranmaru, and see how his trip went, but he’s terrified to get the same response that he’s been getting lately. He isn’t sure how he’s going to handle it._

_Tokiya leaves his room one time that day, to go to the bathroom. He can hear the bass from the bedroom. The door is open- but Tokiya just goes back into the guest room._

_It’s even harder to get out of bed the next day. He ends up sleeping through most of it._

_It’s the fourth day that Ranmaru finally knocks on the door. It wakes Tokiya up, but Tokiya moves too slowly, his body heavy, and a few minutes pass before he actually manages to get to the door to open it, and it’s too late. Ranmaru’s gone._

_Tokiya doesn’t go find him, but he doesn’t feel right about it._

_Ranmaru tries again later, but this time Tokiya’s awake._

_Ranmaru’s face is impossible for Tokiya to read, and that scares him. Ranmaru moves, to lean back against the wall, and that’s worse- because normally Ranmaru would just enter Tokiya’s room._

_Ranmaru’s eyes search Tokiya’s face, but his voice is a bit flat, hiding any emotions he has. Tokiya misreads it- assuming he doesn’t **have** any emotions on this, rather than hiding the ones he does. “Do we need ‘t go on a break, Tokiya?”_

_Tokiya feels like he’s been punched. He feels like Ranmaru just slugged him in the stomach. After weeks of mostly silence, **this** is what he’s greeted with. He knows why- Ranmaru doesn’t beat around the bush. “What?”_

_“You haven’t even stepped outta this room in days. ‘N that’s not ‘t mention that you’re in this room, ‘n not ours. ‘M askin’ if you need time away from me.”_

_Tokiya misunderstands. He’s been so wrapped up in how he thought that this conversation would go, that in his head, it’s going how he thinks it would. Ranmaru **is** asking if **Tokiya** wants this - but Tokiya still feels like he’s bringing it up because **Ranmaru** wants it. “Okay.”_

_Normally, Ranmaru makes Tokiya give him a straight answer. Normally he wouldn’t accept ‘Okay’._

_In Ranmaru’s mind, that was a yes. Because he didn’t really expect anything but no._

_In Tokiya’s mind, he accepted it because it was close enough to the answer Ranmaru was looking for._

_A long moment of silence falls between them. Tokiya sees Ranmaru’s throat move with his swallow, and he nods. He pushes himself off of the wall, and with a long look at Tokiya, he heads to the bedroom._

_Tokiya closes the door, and that’s when he loses his footing. He sits on the ground, leaning against the door. He can feel his world, crashing down around him, and he can hear his heart separate, falling into pieces._

_People claim to be able to die of a broken heart, and Tokiya feels like he’s going to._

_It was only a break, he tries to weakly tell himself, but he feels like it’s going to go further._

_Tokiya presses his lips to the silver band around his finger as he breaks down into silent sobs. How much longer would he be able to wear this ring? Was he right, to be wearing it now? Tokiya stays on the floor so long that he falls asleep. When he wakes up, he’s lying on the floor, and he doesn’t even want to get up._

_Ranmaru’s problem **must** be with him. _

_Why else would Ranmaru come home in the same mood- if his home wasn’t giving him the bad mood?_

_Tokiya manages to pull himself into his bed, eventually, and he begins to wonder what he’s going to do. He stares at the ceiling for a long time, trying to collect his thoughts._

_Ranmaru wants a break. Tokiya gave it to him. Ranmaru’s next step is likely going to be a divorce._

_That was going to be difficult. Divorce was messy, even without any children involved. It would be expensive, and would take some time, and they’d have to get lawyers involved. They hadn’t signed a prenup, and both men had a decent amount of money, though Tokiya had more than Ranmaru._

_Tokiya breaks into ugly sobs. He had never thought of his relationship with Ranmaru and had to include **money** or **lawyers**._

_Ranmaru had his heart, and he always would._

_Tokiya’s broken heart wasn’t killing him fast enough. He’d just help it along._

_Tokiya could go to a hotel. He could pretend, for one night, that his life hadn’t fallen apart and that Ranmaru was still in love with him._

_He could get himself a bottle of alcohol and a book and he could just take a bath for hours. He could worry about just what he was going to do the next morning. He could leave his ring by the entryway and let Ranmaru decide what he’d like to do with it. Wedding rings weren’t cheap._

_Ranmaru wouldn’t need to worry about the lawyers, or the paperwork. He wouldn’t need to worry about if he needed to find a new place._

_Tokiya’s sobs die down, almost at peace._

_The last time he had been in this state of calm, the scary kind, where nothing bothers him, was the last time he had made the decision that he was going to end it. That was back when he was a teenager._

_But he realizes, in a passing thought, that he needs to make sure that Ranmaru knows that Tokiya isn’t killing himself because of Ranmaru. Tokiya wants to kill himself for Tokiya._

_Tokiya’s shocked he made it this long, even._

_After his idol life was over, Ranmaru was all he really had._

_Tokiya sits up, robotically, and he grabs a backpack. He throws in some comfortable clothes, including the single sweatshirt of Ranmaru’s he had taken. He heads to the kitchen, to grab a few trash bags, and when he goes back in the room, he rids it of anything Tokiya. He leaves the garbage bags in the corner of the room. It won’t be hard to just toss them. He’s not coming back here._

_Unfortunately, the book that Tokiya wanted to bring- his favorite, was still in Ranmaru’s room._

_Tokiya braces himself, bringing his backpack with him, and he knocks gently on Ranmaru’s door. Ranmaru answers it, but seems a bit confused at Tokiya’s backpack. “I’m sorry.” Tokiya says gently. “But there’s something in here I’d like to grab.”_

_“Yeah.” Ranmaru steps back into the room, but he leaves it open. Ranmaru is watching Tokiya’s face closely, because he notices a look on it that he’s never seen Tokiya wear. Ranmaru didn’t like it._

_Tokiya’s quiet, but he goes to the side of the bed he used to sleep on, and he takes the book from his drawer. He wouldn’t slip it into his backpack just yet._

_“Where ‘re you goin’?” Ranmaru is clearly eyeing Tokiya’s bag._

_“I’m leaving.” Tokiya’s voice is quiet._

_Ranmaru’s eyes narrow. “You’ve got more stuff than just a backpack full.”_

_“I’m not going to need it.” Tokiya heads back towards the door, and he hesitates. Even with as empty as he feels, his chest constricts when he slips off his ring, handing it to Ranmaru. Ranmaru’s hand, on instinct, lifts to hold it, but it lands in his palm, his fingers remaining straight. There’s an almost stunned look on his face. “You don’t need to worry about handling the divorce.” Tokiya can’t watch Ranmaru. “It’s not going to be necessary. I’m handling everything. You can just… live on, Ran. I hope you find someone that does what I couldn’t.”_

_“What do you mean you’re going to handle it?” Ranmaru catches Tokiya’s arm, and he isn’t letting go. Tokiya thinks his arm might end up with bruises in the shape of Ranmaru's fingertips. There’s a tone of genuine fear in Ranmaru’s voice. “Tell me what you’re going to do, Tokiya.” His voice breaks in the middle of his sentence._

_“I’m going to do you a favor,” Tokiya’s voice is soft. It’s explanatory, not accusive. “By removing myself from the picture.”_

_Ranmaru’s voice is almost childlike in his next question. Afraid. “Are you going to hurt yourself?”_

_Tokiya stays silent for a very long moment, and then Tokiya nods. Even in his nearly disassociated state, Tokiya is surprised by the sheer amount of pain on Ranmaru’s face. Ranmaru’s hand is trembling, but when he lets go of Tokiya to pull him into a tight, restraining hug, Tokiya thinks he can feel Ranmaru’s entire body trembling. Tokiya can feel how tense Ranmaru is, and his grip is uncomfortably tight on Tokiya._

_“I don’t know what the right thing ‘t do is.” Ranmaru admits quietly. “But I’m gonna figure it out ‘n do it.” Ranmaru’s voice drops, and when his head lowers, Tokiya can feel Ranmaru’s tears on his shoulder. Ranmaru’s voice shakes in his attempts to keep it steady. “I’m sorry if I made you feel like it had ‘t come to this, but I can’t let you go through with it.” Ranmaru’s grip tightens, even further, as he bites back a sob. Tokiya had never heard Ranmaru’s voice sound so broken before. “I can’t lose you, Toki. You’d never be doin’ me a favor by hurtin’ yourself.”_

_“...You wouldn’t have to know.” Tokiya says, his voice quiet, and almost numb. “You could just pretend like I only left.”_

_“I don’t **want** you ‘t leave.” Ranmaru’s voice sounds almost desperate, and he pulls back, holding Tokiya by the shoulders. His expression is almost stern, but Tokiya can see the tears- brimming in his eyes and the trail from the few that had missed Tokiya’s shirt and travelled down Ranmaru’s cheeks. “And I can’t let you go, knowin’ what you’re gonna do, Tokiya. ...I still love you, Toki.” Ranmaru’s voice is so soft. “I’m sorry I let you forget that.”_

_Tokiya glances away, trying to avoid meeting Ranmaru’s eyes, but Ranmaru’s finger tucks under Tokiya’s chin, to tilt his head back up, and Tokiya’s eyes flicker across Ranmaru’s face. Tokiya’s ring is still in Ranmaru’s hand._

_“If you really can’t stay with me, I can’t keep you. That doesn’t mean I don’t wanna. But I’m not lettin’ you go when I know that you’re in danger.”_

_“...I thought **you** were done with **me**.” Tokiya’s voice is no more than a weak mumble._

_“Never, Toki, never. I’ve been a dick ‘t you, ‘n I’m sorry. You didn’t deserve me bein’ distant, ‘n I should’a talked ‘t you more. If I had any idea it was this bad, I wouldn’t ‘ve let it get this far.” Ranmaru’s hand moves again, this time cradling Tokiya’s face. “I’ll explain everythin’. ...Not now. Not yet. I… don’t wanna throw more onto your plate right now.”_

_Tokiya’s jaw tightens, and then relaxes, and while his head stays still, his eyes are cast downwards. “...Was it me?”_

_Ranmaru winces, like Tokiya had actually struck him. “No. No, it wasn’t.”_

_“I want to sit down.” Tokiya’s voice is weak. His legs feel heavy, like they’re made of lead, and it’s hard- to follow Ranmaru the few feet to the bed. Tokiya sits numbly, but when Ranmaru moves to hold onto him tightly, Tokiya goes into the embrace._

_There is a long moment of silence between them, of Ranmaru just holding onto Tokiya tightly. Tokiya doesn’t think that Ranmaru’s position can be comfortable, but Ranmaru doesn’t shift from it once._

_“I know you don’t think that now is the time.” Tokiya’s voice is strained, and hoarse. “But I want to know what was wrong. What happened, Ran…?”_

_“...I really don’t think this is the best time ‘t get into it, Toki. Are you sure?”_

_“I am. I want to know.”_

_Ranmaru sighs. “My sister’s been actin’ weird, ‘n my mom’s been callin’ to try ‘n get my help on it. ...Juri tried ‘t kill herself. When I went out there, she was in the hospital.”_

_Tokiya returns to silence. He goes through quite a few emotions as he tries to find words. Of course, he immediately feels guilty, for quite a few reasons. “...I wouldn’t have thrown any of this on you had I known. I’m sorry.”_

_Ranmaru’s voice is grim. “That’s not your fault, Tokiya. ‘N I don’t even wanna consider the alternative of you not tellin' me. ...I know you, ‘n I know your mental health isn’t good, ‘n all the strain on it this time was my fault.” Ranmaru sighs, his head bowing as he presses his forehead to the side of Tokiya’s head. “But the blame game ain’t gonna help anyone right now. Right now, we just need to focus on gettin’ you back ‘t baseline.”_

_“Am I taking you away from your family when they need you…? I don’t want you to lie to me.” Tokiya’s voice has returned to the numb expression._

_“Toki, I know I haven’t been actin’ like it recently, but **you’re** my family, too. ...And you aren’t. I mean it. I’ve done what I can there, ‘n now I’m gonna focus on takin’ care ‘a you. For as long as you need me.”_

_“...You shouldn’t. I didn’t come in here for help.”_

_“I’m not lettin’ you leave. ‘Specially knowin’ what I know now.”_

Tokiya seeks out Ranmaru a few hours later after waking up, climbing next to him on the couch and curling into his side. Ranmaru’s arm wraps tightly around Tokiya’s shoulders, not saying anything until Tokiya speaks. 

“I had another dream, Ran.” Tokiya’s voice breaks. “I think I need a fact check.”

That’s what Tokiya had started calling this. Tokiya often had vivid dreams, and some daydreams that he could never quite control- and most of them were _dark_. Tokiya had opened up to having them fairly early on into their dating life, but it wasn’t until they had gotten married that Tokiya and Ranmaru had started _roleplaying_ through them. 

And it was Ranmaru’s idea, too. 

Tokiya often had unrealistic ideations of Ranmaru- and in the horrible, twisted dreams Tokiya had, they often went further than they ever would in real life. So Ranmaru had taken to letting Tokiya describe his dreams in detail, and then explaining what wasn’t accurate in it, or how Ranmaru would really handle that situation if it happened. 

Tokiya agreed to listen to Ranmaru, and believe him- and Ranmaru promised that he wouldn’t judge Tokiya for his dark thoughts.

Ranmaru’s hand gently squeezes Tokiya’s shoulder, and he sighs, but he’d reach over to the remote besides him to turn off the TV, to give Tokiya his full attention. 

“Alright. What happened, babe?”

Tokiya closes his eyes, able to recall the dream in vivid detail. 

Tokiya’s voice sounds distant. 

“You were acting so strange. You were on your phone a lot, you were just… distant, and you wouldn’t tell me exactly what was wrong. All you told me was that your mom was calling you for help with an issue that wasn’t important, and that you’d handle it, but you’d get angry if I ever pushed it. At first you’d apologize to me- for being so distant but it just… kept getting worse. We were sleeping back to back, and you’d begin stopping me before I can even ask- it felt like you were always frustrated, and it always felt like it was at me. And then you finally sat down with me, but it was just to tell me that you’d be leaving in two days, to go visit family and handle something that you wouldn’t explain to me. I offered to go with you, and you told me no. And then I offered to drive you to the airport and you shot me down again. When you left, you hadn’t even bothered to wake me up to let me know you were leaving. You were leaving for a few weeks, I believe. I didn’t have any contact with you, when you were gone. At least not that I can remember. I don’t know how long it took me to decide to stay in our guest room, because I started feeling like I didn’t belong in our shared room. I was positive it was me. It was my fault that you seemed so angry and miserable, and it was my fault that you left. I assumed you were getting together the divorce papers. I couldn’t stop thinking of all of the people that had left me before, but that had never been something I’d thought you’d do… so it couldn’t have been you. It must have been my fault.” 

Tokiya’s voice breaks, and Ranmaru’s arm tightens around Tokiya’s shoulders. Tokiya can only imagine how difficult Ranmaru is finding it to stay quiet, but he does. He’s letting Tokiya finish. 

“So I took almost all of my things from our room and I put them in the guest room. You got back really late at night. I had been slow, in coming out to greet you, and by the time I was able to check on you, you were already asleep. The next few days, I had stayed in my room. I believe I only left one or two times- until you finally knocked on my door. I was asleep, and you were gone by the time I answered the door. The next time you knocked I was awake- and you immediately asked me if I wanted a break. ...Of course, I assumed you asked me because you wanted it. I had only said okay, but you accepted it as a yes, and you went back into our… your room. I think it was only the next day that I had started thinking… Thinking about what I’d do. What was next. I came up with my plan. I was going to go to a hotel to pretend like everything was fine- like you still loved me.”

Ranmaru flinches, but he manages to stay quiet. 

“I was going to take a bath for hours, and read my favorite book- I was going to drink myself stupid and just leave my ring in the entryway. There’d be no need for a divorce if I just got rid of myself first. I got myself into a sort of stupor… the kind I had only ever been in during my last attempt… back when I was a teenager.”

That last fact was true- but Ranmaru knew of it. Tokiya had told him the story of his first attempt quite some time ago. But despite the fact that this wasn’t news- Tokiya can easily imagine the pained expression on Ranmaru’s face at the reminder. Tokiya doesn’t think he could pry himself away from Ranmaru’s side if he tried. 

“I put all of my things in garbage bags, so they’d be easy to dispose of, and I just brought a comfortable outfit in a backpack. ...I believe I had one of your sweatshirts I had stolen from our room before I left it. And then I realized that the book I wanted was still in our shared room, so I had to go get it. You let me into our room, but you noticed how strange I was acting, and you asked me where I was going. ...I told you I was leaving, and you asked why I was only taking a bag. I told you I wouldn’t need anything else, and I handed you my ring and I told you that you didn’t need to worry about filing for divorce. That you could just live, and be happy- and that I hoped you’d find someone that could do what I couldn’t. I told you that I was going to be doing you a favor, by taking myself out of the picture. ...You asked me if I was going to hurt myself and I told you that I was. ...I-” 

Tokiya has to pause, because his throat feels tight. He hangs his head. Ranmaru’s grip is still tight- Tokiya thinks that Ranmaru’s entire body is tensed. 

“You cried.” Tokiya notices Ranmaru’s noise- he’s expecting a comment on this, when he’s done. 

“ ...It turned out that your mother had been calling you because your sister had been having… similar feelings to me, for different reasons. And something bad had happened, and that’s why you left. ...And that’s where it ended.”

Ranmaru is quiet for a long moment, likely getting his thoughts in order. 

“First off.” Ranmaru’s voice is hard to read- it’s a bit flat. Tokiya finally opens his eyes. “I didn’t appreciate the tone you used, when you said I cried. You shouldn’t be _surprised_. That was probably the most fuckin’ realistic part ‘a your dream, Toki. If you came in ‘n told me that you wanted to fuckin’ kill yourself- if you handed me your ring ‘n told me that you thought you’d be doing me a _favor_ by killing yourself? Of fucking course I’d cry, Tokiya. It fucking broke my heart when you said you wanted to _pretend_ that I still loved you. I married you, ‘n I consider that a lifetime commitment.”

Ranmaru breathes out, and he shifts. Tokiya moves with Ranmaru before he realizes what Ranmaru’s trying to do- until Tokiya is already halfway over Ranmaru’s lap, that is. Ranmaru moves Tokiya until Tokiya is straddling Ranmaru’s lap, facing Ranmaru. Ranmaru’s expression is stern. 

“I can tell ya right now that your dream would go off course right up in the beginning. ...I’ll give ya that I might try to keep it ‘t myself at first. Maybe I’d get a bit frustrated, but never as bad as it sounds like I got with ya. ‘Fore I left, I’d _at least_ tell ya where I was going, ‘n what was going on, but more ‘n likely, if you offered ‘t go with me, you would. ...But I’m gonna give you a real fuckin’ stretch on this one, because there’s bigger issues we need ‘t talk about here.”

Tokiya nods. 

“Let’s say I left alone. I’d never leave without at least tellin’ you goodbye. You’d never go _weeks_ without hearin’ from me, ‘n hell- if you stopped answering, Toki… I’d head back early. I doubt I’d even leave for that long. But let’s say I did- the most I can stretch it is the night I got back. I don’t care how fuckin’ tired I am, if I went into our room ‘t see you ‘n most ‘a your stuff missing, I’d be on you immediately. We’d be havin’ that discussion that night. I’d march straight ‘t the guest room, ‘n we’d just sit on that bed ‘n talk about it. Why you left the room. Why you’re actin’ weird, because ‘m sure you are- ‘n I wouldn’t leave until you were comin’ with me, ‘r you told me what was wrong- and if you told me what was wrong, that you thought I didn’t love you, ‘r that I was gonna divorce you, or that you wanted to _kill yourself_ -” 

Ranmaru closes his eyes for a long moment. His arms had been wrapped around Tokiya’s waist already, but they tighten, holding Tokiya closer. “You’d never get my eyes off ‘a ya for the next fucking month. If I were really bein’ that terrible to you- that you felt like the only options you had left were divorce or suicide, I’d spend all ‘a my time makin’ sure you knew that wasn’t the case. That I’d never divorce you ‘n that it was my fault for not tellin’ you enough just how much I care about you. That I never wanna fuckin’ lose you to anythin’, ‘n like hell I’d lose you to yourself because _I_ fucked up. I hate counselin’ Tokiya, but we’d go. Anythin’ ‘t make sure you’re safe, ‘n you realize that I really do love you.”

Tokiya ducks his head, pressing his face against Ranmaru’s neck. Ranmaru’s hands lift, pressing to Tokiya’s back. 

“But there’s a deeper issue with this one, Toki. I don’t like the way you were talkin’. Suicide’s really serious, babe, ‘n it makes me really nervous ‘t hear you thinkin’ so deeply on it- even if it’s with an event that didn’t really happen. I need you ‘t know real well that you’d never be doin’ anyone, ‘n especially not _me_ , a favor if you hurt yourself. ...I’ve got no idea what I’d do without you. ‘Specially ‘t lose you like that…” Ranmaru’s grip is almost tight enough to hurt, but Tokiya’s returning grip on him is just as tight. Tokiya can feel his eyes burn, but they’re closed so tightly that no tears are spilling out. “I love you. ‘N if this is a serious thought, Toki, we need ‘t address it.”

“...It’s… I promise it’s passive, Ran.” Tokiya says, his voice weak. “It’s no worse than you already know. I don’t know if I’m capable of not having any thoughts at all, but I’m not even close to acting on it. Especially not after this. ...These really help, Ran. I’m sorry, that I sometimes think of you so… out of character? But you reminding me about how you’d really react helps me. There’s no possible way I can ever forget how much you care about me- and these reminders help me. And it’s not just these. You’ve always been… incredible, Ran. As long as I have you- as long as you’re here for me, the thoughts will never be active. And if they ever get close, I know I can tell you. ...Thank you. For doing this.”

“‘S long as it helps you, babe, ‘m not plannin’ ‘t stop.” Ranmaru’s grip finally releases, enough to run a hand over Tokiya’s back comfortingly. “But now- how’s your head?”

“It’s still sore.” Tokiya mumbles against Ranmaru’s neck. “I didn’t sleep very well after this.”

“Then why don’t we go lay down together, yeah? I’ll do my best ‘t try ‘t keep your mind quiet.”

“If you’re next to me- that might just work.”


End file.
